Presenting me, to ME | Learning to love and appreciate myself

It’s been a while since I have been left alone at home. By alone I mean, just for a couple of hours or more, nothing life changing as such.  I have a beautiful family and a great bunch of friends and I am thankful to god as I have been blessed with all the comforts of life. But sometimes, I like being left by myself, just me and my thoughts. I know it’s in man’s nature to long for what he doesn’t have. Those who have no one crave for a lovable family or friends and the ones, who are perpetually surrounded by people, want to be left alone, well, at least for a while. What we really want is a balance between the two. But that’s the ideal world and an ideal world, doesn’t exist.

When I give it a serious thought though, man’s biggest fear (and mine) is to be left alone, not by choice but by circumstances and life. In the recent past I experienced this fear very closely. The pain and grief of losing a loved one and to come to terms with reality, that this is what life will be from now on, can be unimaginably hard. Incidents such as these are not easily forgotten, especially when they have been experienced for the very first time. They leave a mark on you and are instrumental in making you the person you will be tomorrow. To be honest, it shook me to my very core. It reinstated the truth of life, and death. It demonstrated that even after immense progress in technology and health care, not much can be done if time has other plans. There was nothing that could be done in the past and there is nothing that can be done in the present and future.

We all love to believe that we have control over things and on various situations in our lives. But every time, it’s time that proves us wrong and compels us to accept that, what IT has in store for us. You can fight it, but it’s really a matter of time (again) that we realise that the battle was within us, and time didn’t even pause to notice it, let alone fight back.

Every day I know better that what I have today, I might not have tomorrow. It’s not a negative thought but a cautious, realistic one.  And it is scary. It is something I have no control over. Not much can be done really, to prepare myself to deal with it. That is for two reasons, one that I will never be able to live in the present if I constantly worry about my future. Two, no matter how hard I try, I will never be fully prepared and be able to distance myself from the pain and agony that I might have to go through later on life. Life is all about taking the journey and experiencing all the emotions  and learning something from each of them. I’m trying to learn from others experiences. It’s not a bad idea. But I can only learn so much and not avoid them and the emotions they bring along, completely.

So what do I do? What do I do, so that I don’t feel as much pain and sufferings as the others go through when they are unpleasantly surprised by life? Every time I put this question out there, I get the same answer. Nothing. I can do nothing for myself today that will help me cope with my bad times tomorrow.

But then I thought, no matter what happens, no matter what the situation will be, I’ll always have one person with me. Myself.

So how do I rate myself as person with whom I’d like to spend time with. How much do I know about myself, that tomorrow I don’t have a problem spending a large amount of my time, with myself, if such a situation does come up?

Whaaat?!! Okay. So I’m preparing myself, to like myself, only so that in times of need I’ll have someone who I like and wouldn’t mind spending time with.

As bizarre and nonsensical as that sounded in my head, it actually made some sense and there were two things that came to me immediately. One, it was such a pathetic, current situationthat I needed to spend time with myself and understand myself better, only so that if I do not have anyone tomorrow, I will fall back upon this person who I have discovered (re-discovered). Two, so this is what it means when they say, that don’t depend on other people or on tangible goods to make you happy. If you make yourself happy, chances are that that happiness will last longer.

I like the theory. I understand it and agree with it. But it’s not the first time I agree with something that has been logically and sensibly arrived at but with bleak probabilities regarding its practical application and not to forget the unimaginable amount of determination and conscious effort required to actually put it into practice.

We all know that talking to plants and spending quality time with them does make them grow and branch out better. Similarly, the tribes of Solomon Islands who, when need to cut a tree don’t physically cut it but simply gather around it and start cursing and yelling at it. The negative energies take over and slowly after a few days, the tree dies. This proves the power of both negative and positive energy, on living beings. We are still, only human. We crave for love, appreciation and togetherness unlike plants. And who ever provides them; we associate our happiness with them.

So why can’t we do the same with ourselves. Our biggest critic is us. Every day we put ourselves down in different ways when we our unhappy with an emotional, physical or social trait of ours. Being critical is good. But we are harsh on our selves, thus harsh on the world. If we treat ourselves like how we would want to be treated by our loved ones, I believe slowly we might be the only ones required to make ourselves happy.

I’m not sure how to go about it or how it might help me, but I’d like to give it a shot because I do know that when I’m happy and not at war with myself or with the world I am able to give back that happiness to the people around me. I’m able to love and appreciate if I am being loved and appreciated. The only difference this time will be that the person I associate happiness with, will be me. The person, who loves and appreciates me, will be me.

I will not let go completely of my old habit of putting other people’s needs and emotions before mine.  But I hope to regulate it with a new habit of also considering my feelings and emotions, my wants, my desires, along with that of others.

I’m aware of the fact, that this will not make my problems and sufferings go away completely and that I will, still have to experience those in all their glory, but it might just help me get through them with a better state of mind. I will still get hurt, miss my loved ones when I don’t have them around, cry and weep when the pain is more than I can take, but I know it’ll only be a matter of time when I will get up, dust myself off and continue walking forward.

So this birthday, I’m gifting myself, me. I’ll spend some time with myself every day not because I might not have anyone tomorrow, but because that time of the day I’ll be sure to do things that make me happy. And it’s important that I do this now, when I can choose to be alone and like it. I don’t have to compromise with the situation and accept that I’m my only companion. But if I ever have to compromise (such is life) I hope to do it, with a smile.